HomeArticlesCamp Camp: Episode 14 – Culture Day | Rooster Teeth
Camp Camp: Episode 14 – Culture Day | Rooster Teeth
September 12, 2019
Gus: You’re fired, no severance! You have a happy holidays though. David: Gwen, are you as excited as I am for Culture Day? Gwen: Ecstatic. David: I can’t wait for all the campers to share their personal heritage with us. It’ll be great and informative! Nerris: Welcome weary travelers! Might I interest you in tales from my homeland of Vinyamar? David: Where on earth is that? Gwen: I think you mean middle-earth. David: What?! Campers, we are not here to talk about Harry Twilight. The purpose of culture day was to show where your family comes from. And what makes it special to you. Ered: I did that But I can’t show it to you. It’s classified. Max: This is my Hindu culture. Represented by a picture of Gandhi who I’m choosing to say is my cousin. Gwen: Honestly, this is much more effort than I expected from them. David: Campers, I have to say I’m a little disappointed. None of you took culture day seriously! I might just have to cancel the feast of flavors from around the world and only serve plain old hot dogs instead. Yay! Hmph Oh, Neil what’s all this? Neil: Just some Jewish stuff my dad sent over. It’s not really a big deal. David: Well, I think it’s great! Max: What the fuck are you wearing? Nerris: Cool! What’s this big book of spells? Neil: That’s the Torah! Nikki: What’s this weird shaped lamp? Neil: It’s a menorah, it holds the Hanukkah candles! Space Kid: What is a…Hanukkah? Neil: Do you really want to know? Nikki: Yeah, it sounds cool, and flammable! Neil: You think it’s…..cool? Dolph: A monument to Jewish culture. hm? Well, I only have one thing to say to that. I love it! Great job. David: There’s a place I know that’s tucked away, a place where you and I can stay Where we can go to laugh and play and have adventures everyday! I know that sounds hard to believe but guys and gals it’s true, Camp Campbell is the place for me and you! We’ll swim through lakes and climb up trees, catch We’ll swim through lakes and climb up trees, catch fish, bugs, bears and honeybees. There’s endless possibilities and no, that’s not hyperbole! Our motto’s campe diem and that means I’m tellin’ youuu, we’ve got archery, hiking, search-and-rescue, biking, horseback, training that’ll save you from a heart attack, scuba diving, miming, keeping up with rhyming, football, limbo, science, stunting, pre-calc, spaceships, treasure hunting, bomb defusal, no refusal, fantasy, circus trapezing, fights, and ghosts, and paints, and snakes, and knives and chess, and dance, and weights, IT’S CAMP CAMP! Nikki: So what else is cool about this hannukah day? Neil: it’s actually eight days. Aaand, you get a present for every one of them! Nurf: Holy shit! Preston: What else? What else?! Neil: All the adults give you gold coins. But when you open them, they’re actually chocolate! Nurf: Holy shit! Nerris: Tell us more about the history of this incredible celebration! Neil: More? Sure! So the story of Hanukkah, actually takes place during the times of the Second Temple approximately 160 BC if I’m not mistaken, in the geographic region of ancient of a… … of ancient… Nikki: Is there may be a cool holiday figure like Santa or the.. Easter Bunny or Jeff the homeless guy who shows up at Thanksgiving and steals your leftovers? Neil: Well There was this guy called Judas Maccabee He had super strength the power of flight and, oh, yeah He also had laser beam eyes and shot pure molten gold right out of his fingers. Dolph: That’s why you receive the golden coins during Hanukkah! Neil: Yes, exactly! He started out as a simple bastard child, but with his good heart and just ways he managed to climb up to become the King of the North! Gaining the trust of all his citizens and the love of the powerful dragon queen! Max: Gee, Hanukkah sure sounds a lot like Game of Thrones. Neil: Yeah, everyone knows Game of Thrones is totally based on the Hanukkah story! Space Kid: Whoa! I wanna be jewish! Max: This version of Hanukkah almost sounds too good to be true. Nurf: Oh, shut up. You leave Neil and Hannukah alone! Neil: It’s ok, Nerf. My people are used to hostile jealousy. Come on guys, Wait until I tell you about the time Judas Maccabee got the Infinity Gauntlet! David: Gwen I hope you’re going over the preparations for our culture Day feast Gwen: No, did you know the flower Scouts just got a fucking day spa? They’re throwing a grand opening party and everything. David: We don’t have time for massages, Gwen. We get to focus on the feast! It’s the crown jewel of Culture Day! We’ve got bratwurst for Dolph, samosas for Max, prison gruel for Nerf and something called lumbus bread for Nerris. Platypus: *burp* Muack. David: Oh no, the platypus ate everything! I hope you have an explanation for your behavior, madam! And don’t even think of pretending it’s rabies again. Gwen: Ow! Seriously, does this thing ever stop eating? For the last time you stupid animal, Gwen is not food! Quartermaster: Too late. It has the taste for flesh now. David: But it’s not too late to remake everything with what we have! ….What do we have? Quartermaster: One can of sham. Might be expired. Definitely expired. Ered: ‘Sup dude. Neil: Shalom, girl! Nerris: Hey Neil! Can you tell me what happened after the Thousand Year Hanukkah War between the forces of light and darkness that ushered in the new era of wizards Neil: Maybe later kid right now, I’m… busy. Max: Nice to see all this hasn’t gone to your head, Neil Neil: I can’t help it if my holiday is the greatest attraction since Christmas. Dare I say, better. Max: Okay, as a fellow scheming bullshitter, I’ll admit you’ve done some nice work here, though I personally felt the Maccabees bringing Thorin as a ringer was going overboard Word of advice, quit while you’re ahead. Neil: I don’t know what you’re talking about Max: I’m just trying to help you out. Take it from me, stretch a scam too thin, people start poking holes in it Neil: Are you done? You bore me.
Nikki: You need a pillow, Neil? Hot chocolate? Want me to beat up Max for you? I’m small, but I’m feisty. Neil: It’s all right, Nikki. Don’t waste your energy on this non-believer. Max: You know what? Have it your way. We’ll see how this plays out. Neil: That’s right, leave! And forget about having any of the milkshakes we’ll be drinking to commemorate the Maccabees liberating the Milky Way from the lizard people Wait, I thought you said they liberated the Milky Way from the Decepticons. Neil: Uh… Uh…yes, but they turned out to be lizard people, crazy twist Nikki: Hmm.. Max: Oh, whatever! Everyone can believe Neil stupid stories, not like I care! Lying’s my thing! What’s this? Aha! I knew it! “King of the North” my ass. David: What are we gonna do?! The big feast was the whole point of culture day! No one really cares where anyone else comes from! It’s all about the food! Gwen: Relax. It’ll be fine. David: Fine?! This is the worst feast related disaster Camp Campbell has ever had! *Sobbing* Gwen: David- DAVID- *snaps* He’s gone. Q, help me out here, what can we work with? Quartermaster: I can make sham stew. Maybe one sham burger. No buns. Wait a minute, I actually have an idea, you okay with doing something a little shifty? Quartermaster: Gwen, look who you’re talking to. Max: Hey everyone, look what I- Neil: Okay, ok guys, one question at a time. Harrison: I don’t understand. How can Judas be in the palace and the lava cave at the same time? Neil: He’s… ubiquitous? Nikki: I still don’t understand how we know about the unicorn war if he jumped back in time to prevent it Nerris: Yeah, and why did he sacrifice his third arm for the princess if she betrayed him in the Battle of Jupiter? Neil: Take a chill pill, guys Uh… Remember this?! Nurf: Don’t think you can distract us, we’re not that dumb Space Kid: Whoa! Do it again! Preston: I think he just made the whole thing up. There’s no such thing as a ‘second temple’. *arguing* Max: Hey, leave Neil alone. He just got a little confused Neil: Max? Max: Yeah, Obviously Hanukkah is such an old holiday, It can be tough to keep it all straight I’m sure if he just concentrated real hard and read exactly what it says in this Hanukkah book. It’ll all be much clearer Isn’t that right Neil? Neil: Yeah, I think maybe some things were just lost in translation. Let me see… Thanks.. Max: Next time leave the lying to the professionals. Neil: Oooooh! There we go, of course! So even though the Maccabees were just a small, rebellious group, they managed to overthrow the Greeks, take over Jerusalem, and get back the temple, but supplies were low Then all they could find there was one single cruse of oil The Jewish people started losing hope, Gwen: Ready? Quartermaster: Ready. Neil: Knowing that the sacred Menorah could only be lit by the specially prepared pure olive oil of which they only have so little Erin: I am so relaxed right now. Tabii: Me too. I almost can’t even hear the annoying noise outside. Erin: Wow, you’re right, I can’t hear it for the most part either Sasha: O M fucking G you C’s, now it’s all I can hear. Erin: Oh my god, what’s that smell. Neil: But just when all seemed lost, what a miracle happened. The single tiny cruse of oil managed to keep the candles lit for 8 whole days, just enough time to make a new batch of oil and that is why we celebrate Hanukkah for eight days to remember the miracle that kept the temple lit after the no less miraculous victory of the Maccabees Nikki: Now that story is amazing Preston: Perfection and simplicity. Nurf: Yeah, I liked it better than all that space stuff. Space kid: I didn’t, but it was still pretty neat. Nikki: LET’S GO CELEBRATE RIGHT NOW! When does it start? Neil: Usually around December. Nikki: Aw man! That’s forever from now. Max: It’s fine. I’m sure there’s something plausibly related over at David’s Feast of world hunger or whatever Nikki: FEAST?! What are we waiting for? Nurf: So Neil that part about the eight days of presents is still real right? Neil: Yeah definitely! And it’s always cool presents. Haha…. It’s never just eight days of boring socks… Nurf: Sweet. David: I can’t believe a single can of sham managed to make all this amazing food. It really is a Culture Day miracle! Yep, a real miracle with no shady occurrence to get to the bottom of. Quartermaster: I’m so relaxed I almost can’t hear the sounds those little girls being terrorized. Ah, This is the life. Gwen: You’ve said it Just click the link already! Holy shit …what Quarantine hold it I’m pretty sick Check out my aura when I spit Like a menorah