Mein SSC School Ki Hoon – Sumaira Shaikh | Stand Up Comedy.


So, I’m going to introduce
myself in this set. You will know me. You will feel a connection with me. I will introduce
myself through the set. My first joke is…
about the school I went to. I’m from a State school? Has anyone here
attended a State Board school? Yeah? See,
these people raised their hands. So disciplined. Lest we get flogged. SSC schools were so bad! The kids go in uneducated… Which is fine. Kids are born
uneducated… if you’ve noticed. But, when they get out,
they’re even more ignorant. So, when I graduated,
I had no thoughts or opinions. Kids just go to hang out…
for 10 years. Then they talk to kids
from the ICSE curriculum… For instance, they figure that
Napolean Bonaparte was a human. I thought it was a clothing brand. But, this ignorance has its merits. When I stepped into the real world
I was clueless. World history kept shocking me! I still get shocked…
for instance, the other day… I was watching a documentary
on World War I and II. And I had no clue
that the world went to war. Twice over! So, I was watching the documentary
and there were spoilers for me. I didn’t treat it as a documentary
but as a series… seasons 1 and 2. And I’m so stupid that in season 2
I’m cheering for Germany! Germany! Germany! ‘Cause if you know,
they were the underdogs. They were the ones…
“This calls for a rematch, bro.” But, what a foolish country! Let’s talk about my favourite book. Only for you… my favourite book. You will surely relate to it. My favourite book was…
the rough book. The same one everyone had in school. There was a reason.
Other books were for the teachers. Classwork, homework books… But, for the first time, the rough
book gave you control over your life. It’s your bitch. Write with a gel pen,
ball point pen… Don’t fucking write! It’s yours! Just… take it. The cool kids have cool rough books… with Ronaldo and Messi on the cover. At the back of the book
there’s a Buzzfeed discussion ’13 facts about Hitler.’ How will you know about
Hitler having only one ball? Not from the History book. Rahul was telling us these
cool facts in the break. Bro, he had just one nut. Hence, the World War. His conspiracy was ongoing. But my parents never
wanted me to be cool. Their logic was that
for a kid to look cool is a sin. So, they don’t want me
to do stand up, also. Because whatever a stand up
comic does, they will look cool. Like right now,
I’m the coolest person in the room. So, they didn’t want me… Therefore,
I got the small brown book. Whose back had the words,
‘Jesus loves you.’ My argument was
that Jesus isn’t even our guy. So, let me love Ronaldo. Thank you so much
for all the support! Have you seen ‘Dead Poets Society’? It’s my favourite film. I’ll cheer for that film.
That’s how much I love that film. Robin Williams introductory
scene in that film… he starts with, “How can you describe poetry?” I want you to rip out that page. And all his students do it. They’re throwing out
that introduction from their books. I thought no professor from
the State curriculum could do this. He couldn’t say,
“Let’s tear the ‘Bal Bharti’ today.” Haven’t you heard?
No one can define a poem. It wasn’t possible for him to say,
“Rip it off.” Me along with 10 other kids would say that the book has to be passed
on to a cousin next year. You may be very inspiring but not for my aunt. She gives a good thrashing. I even used to write notes in
with a pencil so that the cousin
could erase the note. There’s one destitute here. This is the deprived section,
you know why? Because I’m getting
maximum laughs from here. They’re relating so hard. Yes, we even had oil
stains on the book. From the excess oil
in the curry in our lunch box. They don’t relate at all. Our food was cooked in olive oil.

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